non-thinking mode reflection (how ironic)

So once again I find myself coming back to this blog after not posting for what seems like eons. Sorry.
To whoever actually reads this.

And I am currently in a state of not-thinking-about-anything and glazed-eyed-dazedness. I am probably just winding up for what women have been blessed and damned to be visited by each and every month for some 35 years.

So anyways, although in my non-thinking state of mind, I still have some rather thinking things to talk about.

Sometime last week I felt overwhelmed by all the choices and opportunities that were put before me : t2 project subject, research volunteering, applications…. and in the midst of my confusion, I was led to reflect on all the choices I have made, or that my parents have made for me, which have played huge parts in sculpting who I am today.

1) Immigration to Canada – my parents made the decision to leave Hong Kong and brought me to Vancouver in 1993. This was before 97 and my parents felt that Canada would offer a much better growing and learning environment than Hong Kong would. I am very grateful that they made this decision because Vancouver is, for the most part, a wonderful place to be.

2) Go to Collingwood and move to West Vancouver – I entered Collingwood School in Grade 2 and although there were some great memories, I cannot hide from the fact that I was quite unhappy throughout the last 3 years I was there.

3) Crofton House (entered in Grade 7) – this has to be one of the most important choices that I have made. Prior to applying for Crofton I had been quite reluctant, for what reasons I now am not sure because I really left nothing behind if I left Collingwood. Encouraged by my parents, I applied to Crofton, wrote the entrance exam, attended the interview, and was accepted. I don’t recall the thought processes that went through my mind at the time, but I decided to enter Crofton House, and I am so happy that I did. At Collingwood, I had didn’t fit in with any group of friends, no-one understood me, and I became a depressed and introverted little girl with low self-esteem. This may sound quite extreme, but now that I look back, that was who I was. So I left Collingwood without regret, and I entered Crofton with high hopes for finding a new beginning, and that I did. At Crofton I met the greatest friends, many of which I know I will stay in contact with for the rest of my life. I felt so welcome at Crofton, and I realized later that it was where I really belonged. I also slowly began building up my esteem and confidence again. If I hadn’t stepped out of my comfort zone and into a new territory within those ivy walls, who knows what kind of person I am now…

4) Science One – this is my other most important decision, and bittersweet one, actually. So I had applied for Science One, but was put onto the waitlist in May. When I found out I was quite relieved actually, because I had been warned that Science One is extremely hard and I didn’t want to make the decision of whether to go or not. So on my registration day to UBC, I registered for CSP and was quite comfortable. Sometime in June, before Provincials, I received an email from Lucia Balabuk saying that I had cleared the waitlist pool and was accepted into Science One. Boom! That hit me like a tsunami wave and drowned me for a bit, and I just sat at the computer in a daze. At the time I was really afraid of going into Science One because I was scared I would fail, scared I wasn’t smart enough, and then I had a bit of a breakdown. I talked to my parents, I talked to my most trusted high school teachers, and they all encouraged me to try Science One. So after what seemed like a long time, but really was only a day, I decided to accept the offer, because I realized that this is a once-in-a-lifetime chance and I really had no reason to reject it. Now? I am so indescribably glad that I made that decision, because I absolutely love Science One. Here I found myself in such a positive learning environment and I met amazing friends who understand me and all my nerdiness. If I had rejected Science One and had stayed in CSP instead, every time I walk past the Science One Lounge I would probably be envious and regretful that I had not ceased a chance that I would never get back.

The above 4 choices/decisions were only the 4 big ones I could think of…but it’s quite mind-boggling – if I had made any of my past choices differently, I would probably not be where I am today as a relatively happy and motivated individual who has what she needs now for success: family, friends, great learning environment, and clear outlook on life.

And…that is my dose of corniness for the day.

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Thoughts

With Bio 140 over, I have been overwhelmed by a slight influx of idle time in which to use my brain and ponder upon non-school related issues, happenings, events, memories…

Today, an event caught me off guard, and at first I seemed to be in a state of pleasant surprise. As the minutes went by, I fell into an intensely contemplative mood and a flood of nostalgia almost drowned me from the inside. Complicated memories and complicated feelings filled my mind and I could not help but to sit down and let them wash over me. What exactly I was thinking about will not be written in this blog, but I will discuss the generalities of my thoughts.

The transition from an all-girls’ private school to the great university environment has caused me to think about this many a times, and this is the relationship between the guy and the girl. My friends from high school frequently ask me on MSN, “SoooOOOooo…have you picked up someone hot yet?”; to animate their question, they usually add a little smiley at the end resembling a face with a winking eye. Quite frankly, I don’t understand the rush to “pick up someone” in university. Why do people find this so important? Not even taking into account the conflicts with homework and concentration, I don’t believe that most of us are mature and responsible enough to carry out an intimate relationship with one of the opposite sex ( or, I guess, same sex, depending on your sexual orientation). In all seriousness, I really am not interested in beginning a relationship at the moment, nor will I be for the next few years, at least.

This leads me to another train of thought about relationships, and that is the building of the close friendly relationship with guys. Is this even possible? In some cases, maybe, but from my experience, many other cases involve unwanted development of feelings for the other (regardless if it is me, being a hypocrite, or the guy). How far can I go with being ‘pallish’ and nice without going too far? What is the balance? I have yet to learn. And why is it that people always have the desire to start a relationship on their minds? I have yet to understand.

This then leads me to think about my past. I have not always had this opinion about about relatioships with guys. In my youth, I met boys and associated with them with the naive thought that they all could be my potential boyfriend. I was unbelievably shy. I indulged in the little girl habit of harbouring “crushes” for boys. I took risks in letting others know my feelings when I “felt I was going to explode”. I spent too much time writing “love” poems.

Now that I look back, I am disgusted with my former self. All the episodes that I had thought to be “love” were just childish obsessions. I now regret many things that I have done; if I had not been so rash, impatient, and had actually thought more about stuff before jumping to conclusions, things would have turned out differently. If I had the mind-set that I do today, I would not have lost such a good friend. It pains me to remember the times when we were so close, and acknowledge that we are now so far apart.

I like to think that I have become more mature. I like to think that I have become wiser. I like to think that I have learned from my experiences, and have learned to be in control of my emotions.

But I am only 17.9863…and I still have much to learn.