With Bio 140 over, I have been overwhelmed by a slight influx of idle time in which to use my brain and ponder upon non-school related issues, happenings, events, memories…
Today, an event caught me off guard, and at first I seemed to be in a state of pleasant surprise. As the minutes went by, I fell into an intensely contemplative mood and a flood of nostalgia almost drowned me from the inside. Complicated memories and complicated feelings filled my mind and I could not help but to sit down and let them wash over me. What exactly I was thinking about will not be written in this blog, but I will discuss the generalities of my thoughts.
The transition from an all-girls’ private school to the great university environment has caused me to think about this many a times, and this is the relationship between the guy and the girl. My friends from high school frequently ask me on MSN, “SoooOOOooo…have you picked up someone hot yet?”; to animate their question, they usually add a little smiley at the end resembling a face with a winking eye. Quite frankly, I don’t understand the rush to “pick up someone” in university. Why do people find this so important? Not even taking into account the conflicts with homework and concentration, I don’t believe that most of us are mature and responsible enough to carry out an intimate relationship with one of the opposite sex ( or, I guess, same sex, depending on your sexual orientation). In all seriousness, I really am not interested in beginning a relationship at the moment, nor will I be for the next few years, at least.
This leads me to another train of thought about relationships, and that is the building of the close friendly relationship with guys. Is this even possible? In some cases, maybe, but from my experience, many other cases involve unwanted development of feelings for the other (regardless if it is me, being a hypocrite, or the guy). How far can I go with being ‘pallish’ and nice without going too far? What is the balance? I have yet to learn. And why is it that people always have the desire to start a relationship on their minds? I have yet to understand.
This then leads me to think about my past. I have not always had this opinion about about relatioships with guys. In my youth, I met boys and associated with them with the naive thought that they all could be my potential boyfriend. I was unbelievably shy. I indulged in the little girl habit of harbouring “crushes” for boys. I took risks in letting others know my feelings when I “felt I was going to explode”. I spent too much time writing “love” poems.
Now that I look back, I am disgusted with my former self. All the episodes that I had thought to be “love” were just childish obsessions. I now regret many things that I have done; if I had not been so rash, impatient, and had actually thought more about stuff before jumping to conclusions, things would have turned out differently. If I had the mind-set that I do today, I would not have lost such a good friend. It pains me to remember the times when we were so close, and acknowledge that we are now so far apart.
I like to think that I have become more mature. I like to think that I have become wiser. I like to think that I have learned from my experiences, and have learned to be in control of my emotions.
But I am only 17.9863…and I still have much to learn.